Over lent, I am planning on writing a blog post at least
once a week. I think it will be a good way for me to reflect on this Lenten
period while sharing about our past many months in Guatemala (something I have
been struggling to do lately).
I wrote a blog post (forever ago) about our last trip to the
states in May about the joy or reconnecting with friends and family. This blog
post contains some of my reflections from that trip, and then combined with
more thoughts and reflections from the most recent stateside trip this past
December.
My last many years living stateside, I became a little
frugal. I would rarely ever purchase new things. I would wear my clothes and
shoes until they were literally falling apart, much to the dismay of Rachel. My
only large purchase in about 5 years was my laptop, which took a while to save
up for, and was not an easy purchase for me. I tried to stay in the most
affordable apartments within reason, was very stingy with gas/electric/AC (my
previous roommates Mark and Joel could attest to this a great deal), and would
generally only spend money on gas, my cell phone, food, and a few drinks out
here and there. In fact, the only
thing I ever splurged on was maybe an item for cooking and good food, but I
would go to 4 different grocery stores to find each food item I wanted at the
best deal, and generally would only buy things on sale. Now I would not call
myself a cheap person, but instead a simple person with simple needs. I just am not the type of person who
buys things on a whim; I rarely am sucked into getting something simply out of
want. I have no problem with
people who buy more things than me; it’s just how I am.
So going when going Stateside this past December (especially
on a Guatemalan salary), I struggled greatly… not because I was fighting the
urge to want everything, but I more or less struggled with the “why” of it all.
Why all of a sudden now do I want every little thing around me? Why am I
getting frustrated and arguing with Rachel about how to use the gifts people
are giving us? Why am I worried about fitting the maximum amount of items in my
return luggage to make sure I can bring down every item I desire? And maybe the
most important question for me at the time, how can I justify partaking in
these luxuries and still find a connection with those I work with and live
amongst on a daily basis? Maybe a more specific question to my context: is it
disingenuous of me to strive for equality and uniformity with my Guatemalan
community, and then indulge in a lifestyle many here in Guatemala could not
even dream of? It is perplexing, and therefore frustrating to have these
questions when I have been accustomed to a much simpler lifestyle abroad (even more
so than my simple prior Stateside lifestyle).
These feelings/questions were culminated in two events. The
first, believe it or not, was at a Trader Joes. For many who know my love for all things food (cooking and
eating), you probably know that TJs is nirvana for me. Delicious, affordable,
healthy food, free samples, the friendliest staff ever, smoked Gouda cheese…
(just started salivating thinking about it) what is not to love? Well…what I
did not love was this overwhelming guilt of buying a bunch of food purely for
pleasure and indulgence. Buying food I survived just fine without for a year. Every
time I picked up an item, I would go through a similar thought process…
1.
Oh man! I used to buy these all the time! They
are delicious, I MUST HAVE THEM!
2.
Ehhh, look at what I already have in my cart,
looks like I already have some stuff, is this necessary?
3.
Maybe I can get this and put back this other
thing in my cart as a compromise.
4.
Hmmm, but I really want that other thing too.
5.
DAN! Come on buddy, what are you doing? You
don’t need that, put it back!
6.
I’m sad and confused, let’s keep walking…
7.
Oh Man! I used to … (rinse and repeat)
I could not help myself; there was a constant struggle
between two opposing sides inside me. One side that felt I had every right to
obtain these delights I have missed, and the other side making me feel guilty
for wanting to waste my money on frivolous objects that serve no valuable
purpose in my life.
The other event was with Rachel; we were given a somewhat
expensive gift (for us) to share and do with as we please. It was a very generous gift and we were
and are very grateful for it. The
problem came when Rachel and I debated how we wanted to use said gift, which
then turned into a full-blown argument in the middle of an appliance store that
continued on our drive home.
Eventually, we were collectively saying something similar to number 5 from
above. We both asked each other, what are we doing? Why are we arguing about a
free and generous gift? And then the biggest question of all: if this item in
question is causing us to argue, are we better without it?
I think this is the age-old question: are we better without
the items we indulge in? If we are indulging in something, then most likely it
is something we do not need. Let us take chocolate cake for example: cocoa,
white sugar, white flour, butter, eggs, milk, and maybe vanilla… all mixed together
to make a delicious treat. Many
fitness/health instructors would say that this is an unnecessary commodity, and
we are better without it. From a nutritional standpoint, they would be 100%
correct. What about with the expensive gift we received? It most certainly was not essential to
our well-being. We could easily live without it. So why have it then?
A famous 4th century theologian named Augustine
really struggled with these questions involving items of a materialistic
nature. In his most famous work, Confessions,
which is basically a combination of his journal, autobiography, and theological
insights, he commits a whole section to his struggles with materialism. If you think I am being melodramatic
above concerning these things, you should know that I have nothing on Augustine
in this respect. His big thing was trying to understand how worldly items and
desires negatively affect one’s relationship with God and with others. His
conclusion was: they did. Maybe a
modernized understanding of his conclusion is in the words of Notorious BIG in
his lyric, “Mo’ money mo’ problems”, but instead of just money: more of everything,
more problems. Anything past the
essential has the ability to hurt our relationships with each other.
There is plenty of truth to Augustine’s concerns with
materialism. You do not need to look further than the Guatemalans and Bolivians
I have met. I consider many
impoverished Guatemalans I see daily as some of the happiest people I have ever
had the pleasure to come across. In some cases, some of the most content people
I have seen here do not know where their food will come from, not in a week,
but in the next day! And not for themselves, for their children. In Bolivia, one of my first and
favorite observations was with watching the children at school. Some of these children went to school
in the same clothes almost every day, but you would never know it by their
emotions. The only thing they cared about was playing soccer with a plastic
ball on a cement basketball court, and having fun with their friends while doing
it. I remember thinking then, “I can probably learn so much more from these
people, despite their little education and social standing, than they can learn
from me.” I should point out
though, that learning simplicity from
Bolivians and Guatemalans, is not that simple.
Mainly because, I will never be Guatemalan, and I can never forget my
upbringing. The simple fact that on a moments notice, no matter what our
situation is here, after the swipe of a credit card and 9 hours, we can be gone
from Guatemala entirely, just shows how we can never fully embrace the
simplicity of Guatemalan life.
So to bring this full circle, how do my struggles with
materialism (from my Stateside heritage) mesh with my desire to find simplicity
(learned from Guatemala and Bolivia)? More simply put, how can I connect with
God and my community through simplicity, while also respecting where I came
from?
Balance.
I had to write a big paper on Augustine’s Confessions. I remember struggling with accepting some of the things
Augustine said on materialism in the paper. After my professor read it, he said
to me, “Daniel, I think you missed a little of Augustine’s point. The sin is
not enjoying a piece of chocolate cake; it is enjoying 3 pieces of chocolate
cake. The sin is not finding ways
to leisure and enjoy life; the sin and disconnect with God, is being wasteful
and using your time to always benefit yourself instead of building up the
community around you.” What that
professor said has always stuck with me, especially right now. It screams the
same message that I have been rediscovering the past year.
Balance.
Of course, balance and moderation with everything is a
lesson we all learn. But in this
case, is balance between two (or more) cultures and the lifestyles that come
with them. From my North American
disposition, balance teaches me that there is nothing wrong with indulging in a
little, and from time to time it is important. Also, the US is our home no matter what, it is our heritage
and upbringing; there is no changing that. It contains the majority of people
who love us and support us. It
contains a large part of our community that will always care about us. When we
go home, it is a time where support is shown though a reconnection to our
roots. And one thing that happens in this time of support, is gift giving. It
is one way of receiving and giving love.
Balance.
Then of course, balance learned in Guatemala reminds me to
slow down and appreciate every single day God gives me. Balance here is one that allows me to
enjoy my upbringing and the items of wealth and prosperity that have come with
it, but in a way that I continue to own materials instead of them owning me. Balance
here shows me that life is about today and the people in it, so much more than
food, clothes, my bike, smoked Gouda cheese from TJs, etc. can ever be. Balance
here is what Matthew 6:25-34 is all about: not allowing the worries caused by
the things in your life, and all the worries of tomorrow, affect the joy and
contentment of today.
Balance.
There was a Guatemalan woman with her children who was
unsure if there would be enough money to buy food tomorrow. When asked, “What
will you do tomorrow for food if you do not have enough money?”, she simply
responded, “Today I am making food for my children, I will figure out how to
feed them tomorrow, tomorrow.”
Coming to grips with that sort of calmness and contentment…
this is the simplicity I want to take from here. Meshing this simplicity with
who I am… this is the balance I seek.
Thanks for reading.
