When we started this blog, I did a nice post on the notion
of transition for Rachel and I. At that time, as most of you know, we expected
to be in Bolivia for 8 months give or take. With all that was happening at that time, I figured large
transitions for us were in the past once we settled into our Bolivian home.
With all the other concerns we could and did have about living in a new and
foreign land, I had solace in the thought…
“After the past many chaotic months of continue change on
top of preparation for more change, in Bolivia we can find a home to settle
down in, at least for a nice chunk of time.”
Well unfortunately that thought barely had any time to sink
into my brain before another thought overpowered its predecessor and gave me
something quite the opposite of solace…
“There is a decent chance that staying in Bolivia for the
planned time will not work out, so do not
get too comfortable.”
This changed everything. A whole new challenge arose into the expanding list of
challenges we were already facing:
how to stay focused on living in Bolivia while facing the reality of
leaving at any time… how to stay equally present there while searching for jobs
and alternatives elsewhere. Also, there was the continual thought during this
whole process of what would be our first choice when there came a time when a
choice had to be made.
“If we find a position somewhere else, but there is the
possibility of staying in Bolivia, do we uproot ourselves again?” Even more, “what
if it works out that we can stay in Bolivia at least for a few more months, but
have the opportunity to leave for a paid position. Do we leave the place that
is beginning to feel like home for something unknown just for the money?
Especially when that unknown position has a minimum one-year commitment? What
if we leave for something and it ends up being the completely wrong place for
us? What if that simply causes another quick and difficult transition once
again?”
These were the questions at the forefront of our brains, the
questions we were dealing with on the surface. The question that kept us up at night, the one that we
feared to ask ourselves, but nevertheless made us toss and turn, the one that
made it hard to stay focused:
“If we leave early… does that mean our time in Bolivia is a
failure?”
I tried to hope into existence the belief that the visa situation
would work itself out and our time there could be completed in full, as was the
plan. And from this we would accomplish something…that this experience would be
a success. This was the expectation I had for our time in Cochabamba
with MAP, for it to be successful.
And who wouldn’t have wanted that? For most of us growing up, we were
taught to believe in being successful, and then indirectly or directly taught
to do all we could to avoid failure.
Sometimes this message was through being told that if you “work hard”
and do what is “right”, then you can succeed at all you put your mind to (which
indirectly says that if you then failed you clearly could have worked harder). As we continued in our youth, we would
hear this message in being told we need to set realistic goals and objectives,
that the plan needs to be thoroughly thought through, and through proper
preparation we can achieve our goals… we can be successful. Goals and success became linked, but
then so did failure and coming up short. Sometimes the notion of what was and was not successful was
much more relative (especially in the career world)… success was based on a
comparison of someone else’s accomplishments, what their resume looks like as
compared to yours. Success as
based in comparison can be used to push someone to a new attainable level (e.g.
“Hey you are doing good kid, but you see Johnson over there? He is really
killing it! You have the potential to do that good and more…etc., etc.). Maybe I slightly strayed away from the point,
but I feel this notion of success through comparison is based on learning (even
subconsciously) that everything we do is either a success or failure, and
failure means you could have done something better. We see this with kids in school, in sports, and even in
hobbies; like playing an instrument or learning to paint. We then see it in work with quarterly
reviews and committees pulling out your job description and objectives, going
through everything with a fine tooth comb… making sure you are living up to
expectation and criticizing you for any mark not met.
It is not that these views of success and failure are wrong,
but the problem is that they cannot possibly paint the whole picture. An
uncompleted goal cannot always be failure, and I would have to argue that in
most cases there is something in it much greater than even just a silver
lining.
The problem is we are programmed to be afraid of failure
because it is normally viewed as the polar opposite of success. Getting back to Bolivia, Rachel and I
had the expectation of working for MAP in Bolivia for 8 months, accomplishing
all that we could for MAP in that timetable. Staying 8 months meant growth and
development in an NGO, it meant learning about international development from
an organization that clearly had more experience in these matters than most, it
meant the first stepping-stone of our career together in this field, and most
importantly, it meant Bolivia a success.
But when we made these expectations, the problem is the opposite became
viewed as failure.
While I thought maybe my criteria for Bolivia to be a
success could change, I did not expect my paradigm on success to be completely
altered. Sometime in the past month, Rachel and I decided that we would be
leaving Bolivia with or without a new position somewhere else, for reasons greater
than just the visa issues. It was not the fit we hoped it would be and it was
clear to us that staying there any longer than we had to would not be in our
best interest. If we did not find work, we would head to the States and look
from there. This decision hurt us; it made us feel like this whole thing was a
mistake… it made us believe that we made an error in judgment and we were now
paying the price. Truthfully, we were a little embarrassed when we thought of
facing friends and family with not completing even half of the planned time.
But soon enough after that decision was made, I believe God
revealed the plan kept in hiding… that not only was Bolivia a stepping-stone
for our careers, it was so much more than that. When we found out that Rachel was offered the job with Mayan
Families in Panajachel, Guatemala, and that the position was focused on children
school sponsorship (something near and dear to us), we had no choice but to
begin thinking about Bolivia outside of the Western guidelines of success and
failure, but instead with the belief that Bolivia was exactly what God wanted
for us at a specific time. Now
that I have had many days to digest our experience in Bolivia, I cannot help but
put aside my concerns about the things that went awry, and instead I cannot
stop viewing this experience as a 3 month shaping for the rest of our
lives. In 3+ months, our marriage
grew exponentially and constantly, as it was fed through our continual efforts
to work through the adversity of the environment. I learned a great deal about
the world of international development from hands on experience, but with
continual humility in knowing there is so much to learn. My grasp of the Spanish language, while
by no means close to fluency, made leaps further than I can even grasp yet due
to a teacher that was perfect for me at my level. We learned about a new
culture and gained many new experiences, which came through finding an amazing
community in Bolivia (something that can never be put on a scale measuring
success). I was reminded of my love of working with children and youth, and
regained a fire that I forgot was still in me. We learned how to live simply in
an environment (and budget) that demanded it. We were able to critique aspects of the MAP programs,
growing through discerning what we felt were good practices, and then ones we
did not (more positive than negative). And in ways not measurable or (for the
most part) visible, we helped those that needed it while they equally helped us
in return, the true sense of community building in development. I could continue, but I made my
point. We wanted so hard for this
Bolivian experience to be a measured success, with tangible results we could
show and tell people, “this is what we did there, these are the grants we
received for MAP, and here is a powerpoint explaining to you in pictures and
bullet points our results.” But
the thing is, that is what humans care about seeing, those are successes in the
eyes of mortals. But I believe
Paul once made the point in saying (with me paraphrasing liberally), “our
victory lies in the eyes of our Creator.”
What now brings me peace, brings me solace once again, is
the thought:
“Bolivia was a success and it had nothing to do with when we
left, it had to do with it being what God wanted for us.”
Bolivia made it possible for us to be open and ready for
something we never expected to happen soon but was a dream for years, to return
to and work in Guatemala. And
well… here we are. Bolivia was our 40 days in the desert, preparing us
mentally, physically, and spiritually for Guatemala and the rest of our lives
to come. Our expectations have not been lowered; they have simply shifted away
from this notion of quantifiable goals and results and to the belief that God
having a plan for us here is all we need for now. The desire in us and in our
employers for goals and results are always going to be here, as they are necessary,
but for now and most times to come, it is better to rest in the knowledge that
God has a plan that supersedes any expectation.
I hope you enjoyed reading this as I have thoroughly enjoyed
writing it, possibly my favorite post to the date. To answer a few questions, we are keeping the web address
for the blog the same to avoid confusion (and I have become fond of the
name). The only changes to be made
will be on the surface of the blog and maybe a bit in the direction of the blog
for a short while. For the next 1-2 weeks I hope to spend a fair amount of time
reflecting and writing on our time in Bolivia. I believe in the importance of finishing one chapter before
starting a new one. There are many topics left to dialogue about from our time
there, and I hope to make sure they get addressed. Once this happens, we will shift into what is happening in
Guatemala for Rachel and I, as much already is.
Thank you everyone for reading, for your love and support
through this difficult transition, and the encouragement that helps us daily,
moment by moment. What you do for us is also immeasurable, thank you.
Peace, Daniel
