It
has been a while since you have seen my words here. And I apologize for that. While I attempt to get back into the swing of things with blog writing, I want to share with you a blog post I wrote just over a month and a half ago (right before we left for the States). A story about a day in my life that took place around 2 and a half months ago. Even though my life in Panajachel is somewhat different currently with school on summer break, I feel that it sums up what life was like for me here for pretty much my whole time in Pana up until a month ago. Hope you enjoy it:
Written May 30th,
My schedule here in Guatemala became pretty crazy since the last time I wrote,
and I have barely been able to keep up with everything. I think my business and
just the direction my life has gone here has made it hard to write. I will
attempt to express what I mean by all of that in a story of a Sunday a few weeks ago. A story that basically sums up a lot of what my life in Panajachel
has been like.
I
woke up early on Sunday May 6th with a feeling of anxiety uniquely mixed with happiness.
Anxiety because at 2 pm I had to give my first sermon in years, and had yet to
finish it. Happiness because despite all of the craziness this day was going to
bring, I had been looking forward to it for a long while.
The
stress came from my rustiness in sermon writing, as it has been a few years
since I needed to produce one, and therefore was struggling to find the right words.
Writing a good sermon always takes time and a lot of patience as one attempts to find the words to make the message balanced with being Biblically sound and culturally relevant. The greatest
struggle here, in this context, was the context itself. The services are bi-lingual,
which meant I would have a translator for my whole message. Also, I was
preaching to a wide variety of people, gringos (foreigners), Latinos, and a few indigenous
Mayan women. A small group,
normally not exceeding 30 people (generally around 20), but that did not change
the fact that I had to somehow find a way to give a sermon that everyone there could connect with. However, I refuse to water down any message
I give. What is the point of giving a message that makes someone feel good for
an hour but does not teach anything? At the same time, there is no point in giving a message that sounds more like a lecture coming from a professor, with great detail and data with the average listener not being able to connect with. This was a major challenge for me, which
is why I was still working on the sermon the day I was to deliver it despite
already spending many hours on it.
When
preparing for this first Sunday, Rachel, feeling the stress coming out of me,
asked me an obvious question (with a little frustration behind it) that I
should have but did not have an answer to: “Why did you agree to do this?” This
question was not about me doing a sermon or not, it was about if I should be
doing it with all of my other commitments. Teaching at the school everyday,
working a couple nights a week at the restaurant, having Spanish class almost
every day of the week, and of course, spending time with Rachel and Lucia, when
all put together gave me little free time for anything. She had a right to be
frustrated at me for doing this when I barely had time for everything else.
I
finished the sermon to the level I felt comfortable with around noon, and gave
the sermon at 2. It actually went way better than I thought. The sermon was
about how our value as individual humans does not come from the world, but from
God. We looked at how Jesus found value in disciples that the world discarded
as sinners, or poor and low class. I felt it reached all levels.
This
Sunday was particularly unique for me, and not only because of the sermon.
Right after the service, I had to rush to the school where I was teaching, to be in a play. The whole
weekend I was involved in the play since I was
co-teaching the drama elective. When I say I was in the play, I mean
that I acted in the play. They needed a teacher to be in it, and thinking it
would not be a big deal, I agreed to do it. Well, it ended up being a big
deal. I did not have a small role, and learning lines was quite a challenge,
but Sunday was the third night of the play and it was going very well. The play
was an adapted version of “Much Ado About Nothing”, and even though it took up quite a lot of time, I loved doing it. I also bonded with some of my students from it as
well. Oh, side note; my character was an old man, so my beard, eyebrows, and
hair was all painted grey. It was a sight to see.
Once
the play ended, I ran to the bathroom, washed all the paint off my entire head,
changed, and ran to the restaurant for the night shift. I think I arrived home
around midnight completely exhausted.
This
leads me back to the question from Rachel: “Why did you agree to do this?” In
all honesty, I did not have an answer, which bothered me for a little. But once
that crazy day was over, the answer revealed itself. I wanted to do something I was
good at, something that mattered. I wanted, and in a way needed, the reminder that I have
skills and abilities to offer the world, and the people of Panajachel and Lake
Atitlan. Living in a country where
you want to work and grow, but cannot speak the language adequately enough
to do so, can easily lower a person’s confidence. I have wanted what Rachel and
I have talked about for years now, doing international development, building a
life together, and growing into a community. Working at a school and restaurant
were not part of the plan. I felt like I was just treading water at those two
places, not moving forward. Leading a service, being able to write and preach,
would allow me to feel useful, as if I was moving in the right direction.
I
was partially right; leading the services the past month was the right move. I
did grow and was able to lead the service with some good thoughtful words,
feeling alive as I did it. But I was wrong in the belief that I was just
treading water. Sometimes it is easy to feel stuck in one place during a slow
process, and living here learning Spanish is exactly that. Learning Spanish has this way of making every moment of accomplishment met by many situations of failure to understand the language, and therefore feeling like you accomplished nothing. But I can safely say
that my Spanish has improved incredibly since we moved here, and I know that I
will continue to improve every day.
I
know why we are here in Guatemala, but sometimes it is important to live in the
reminder that we need to progress into our expectations and desires, instead of thinking they will happen over night. In most cases, such progress never happens at the speed we want. For
me, this progression comes through learning Spanish. In a way, I feel it might
be the most important task I have undertaken in the past 10 years of my life.
While it is hard to handle at times, the baby steps I have taken are starting to
show and it is encouraging. Yes I might have jobs in fields that are not my
future, but they have made it possible for me to continue to pursue my desire
to learn Spanish and grow in this new culture. And because of that, I am
grateful for them.
And now for your viewing pleasure, a few photos of me as Leonato with my white beard and all :)
Me looking all regal, look at that professional make-up job!
This is for my acting portfolio, showing off my angry acting abilities.
A good time was had, accompanied by many laughs.
